Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
