So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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