It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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