the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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