the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
