No awkward lesbian experiences without me
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
