I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
