All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
