Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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