I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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