he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
