I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
