Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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