I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
