insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
porn star boner night. come get it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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