You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
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