we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
