I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
