No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
