I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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