she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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