chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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