bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
