These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
