so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
