Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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