Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
