I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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