How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
