The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
