Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
