I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so that wasnt chicken after all
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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