He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You're like the curious george of whores
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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