I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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