I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
