The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
