Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
