i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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