In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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