Soap is not a condiment
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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