My liver just broke up with me...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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