Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
