I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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