she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
