Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
