Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
