Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
