I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
