Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
