Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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