I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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