angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
