nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
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