my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
