I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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