I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Drunk is a universal language darling
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
