he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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