The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Randomize
