his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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