Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
