NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
