I'd wear matching sweaters with you
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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