I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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