Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Randomize
