I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
