His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
sex in a hospital.. check
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
