He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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