Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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