i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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