I think I won the penis lottery.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize